dear mum, 

now that i am a mum it has finally dawned on me how much you missed out on. how much i missed out on. i lay in bed some nights & squeeze my eyes tight shut willing myself to remember the 2 or 3 memories i have of you to play through my head over & over so i never ever forget them. i look at my baby's beautiful little fat fingers as he cradles in my arms & i imagine the love that must have overwhelmed your heart as you spent the hours staring at my baby sister & i. 

it hasn't been an easy road - sometimes i get mad at you for leaving, sometimes i have acted in ways that would not have made you proud, sometimes my heart still hurts so much i think my body might break in two.  and even now i have my own child, even after all these years - it makes no difference; the tears still well up right through every mothers day. my heart will forever ache for you. 

i will today raise a glass of bubbly to your memory & the 7 amazing years you spent with me. we could not have asked for a more beautiful mother. 

until i see your face again, i will celebrate you. happy mothers day paula. 

xxx